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National Newspaper Column > Controlled Separation?
Should We Try A Controlled Separation?
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SOLVING THE RELATIONSHIP PUZZLE 
By By Dr. Tom Merrill and Bobbie Sandoz Merrill MSW
Cox News Service
Published on: 11/04/04
Should I try a controlled separation?
Dear Tom and Bobbie: My husband and I have been married 15 years. During many of those years I have not had the kind of partnership I wanted and anticipated. A therapist we have seen said she thought we were "living a divorce." We have attended a relationship seminar, but my husband said he was "uncomfortable" and could not do many of the exercises. He will avoid forever any discussion about our relationship. I have reached the point that I can no longer deal with the ambiguity, and want "something" to happen. I have considered separation and divorce. Financially, a divorce would be devastating, not to mention embarrassing to our families. . . they do not believe in divorce. Even separation would be difficult. Someone has suggested a "controlled separation" where we would negotiate in good faith the terms of a separation for a defined period of time with the purpose being to ultimately see if we want to continue in the marriage or go through with a divorce. Attorneys and the courts would not be involved, but it was suggested we use a therapist in the process. What do you think of this idea?
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 | Tom says: Separations, controlled or otherwise, are of dubious help while couples experiencing significant problems attempt to resolve their issues. The issues normally only arise when couples are interacting with each other. Separations by definition limit interaction and therefore the opportunity to work on the issues.
There are times when separations are appropriate: when couples are so enmeshed that they are unable to disengage long enough to work on their problems or when there is emotional or physical abuse. Most of the time separations are just transitional periods between marriage and divorce and are used for breathing room by one or both in the couple before a legal split.
During the hiatus they try out the living-alone format or living with someone else if they are trying to trade up. Occasionally, the person who wants to leave the marriage will have a realization that he or she doesn't want to split up and attempts a reconciliation. Unless both people are willing to address and deal with the issues that caused the breakup in the first place, the chances are that getting back together will not last.
While a "controlled separation" might be just what the therapist ordered, the history you provide would suggest it will not do much for your basic problem, which seems to be a partnership without a partner. I know I am only getting your point of view, but it sounds as if you are doing all the work in this marriage.
I don't know why you think the relationship bum you are married to will negotiate with you in good faith if he will not even join you in discussing the relationship — with or without a therapist. To date, he has not experienced enough anxiety or distress to do anything differently. And your ambivalence is giving him a free pass.
Until you are willing to leave the relationship, things will not change. If you want to be "living a divorce" for another 15 years, then continue to do what you are doing. If on the other hand you want to settle for more, then be very clear about that with your non-partner.
Let's assume that you choose 'more' and say to him, "I want to be in a meaningful relationship, one that is honest, honoring, loving, communicative, supportive, committed, intimate, inclusive, safe, sexual, humorous, expansive and passionate." Let's also assume you tell him you will not settle for less. Why should or would you? Your non-partner then has the opportunity to sign up or not. It is that simple. No separation needed.
First, though, you need to get off the fence and make a commitment to your life. If you believe a "controlled separation" will lead to the relationship you want, terrific. Then decide what the goal of the separation is to be for YOU and see if your non-partner will join you. If not, then why would you want to spend one more minute settling for less?
You see, the choice is yours. Settle for more, or settle for less.
Bobbie says: I agree wholeheartedly with Tom. I also want to emphasize his point that it is time for you to get off the fence, with your first step being a commitment to your life.
If a "controlled" separation is the way you feel you can most comfortably get out of your self-imposed paralysis and move forward, then do it. This action would not only mobilize you out of a very unhappy marriage, but if there is any hope of your husband waking up this is the thing that will force him to face the seriousness of the situation.
Women inadvertently tend to train men who are not participating in the success of their partnerships to assume that what they are doing is working for their partner. Women do this by complaining repeatedly without applying any real consequences that impact their husbands. As a result, it isn't until a woman applies a consequence that actually affects the man that many men will listen for the first time or begin to take their wives' unhappiness seriously.
In fact the research tells us that after repeatedly telling a man she is unhappy, it isn't until a woman actually leaves the relationship that many men want to work on the problems for the first time. And many will even verbalize that they didn't realize things were so bad.
Yet I also caution women to question the value of continuing down the road with someone who is not a voluntary participant interested in joining you in truly open and non-defensive conversations about your partnership. Thus, even if your leaving prompts your husband to show new interest in saving the marriage, I would not get overly excited about it.
In fact, I recommend to women who finally overcome their fear of moving on that only a full blown turn-around should merit their looking back. . . for the courage it took for them to take this step is hard won, as you know. But if you get the full-blown interest, and your love for him returns under these conditions, then seek good counseling help to harness and use it well.
But for now, as you confront your own fears that have rendered you frozen for so long in a frustrating and failing experience, remember that there is never a good time to leave a marriage. Finances, children and family concerns are the three most popular reasons for lingering in these spirit-killing non-partnerships. But the question is, are any of these "reasons" more important than the vitality and happiness of your own spirit and life? Think about it carefully. . . for I suspect you know the answer.
I wish you the courage to claim and hold to the standard of settling for more, rather than the less you are currently experiencing.
Tom Merrill, Ph.D., ABPP, and Bobbie Sandoz Merrill, MSW, are married and veterans of the relationship puzzle. Tom (TomMerrill.com), a clinical psychologist, and Bobbie, a therapist and parenting specialist, bring their personal and clinical experiences to this column. They have co-authored "Settle for More: You Can Have The Relationship You Always Wanted. . . Guaranteed", to be published in January, 2005. They welcome reader responses and questions: Merrill@lava.net.
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