Dear Tom and Bobbie: My husband and I took your advice and have been in therapy to see if we can get to the place where we can settle for more. Our therapist seems to be moving us in the right direction, with my husband telling her he really does want to change. He seems to be getting it in therapy, and I leave our sessions with great hope. But within two days of our therapy sessions he is back to doing all of his old stuff. . . belittling me, arguing, demanding that I do things his way and generally making life miserable for me and the family. We have been in therapy for several months and our real progress can be described as two steps forward, two steps back. . . in other words, I really do not think we are getting any place. Is this typical in therapy? Why does he seem to get it and then go right back to the way he has been for the 10 years of our marriage? I am wondering if he really does want to change.
Tom says: From your description of your husband's behavior for the past 10 years, it sounds as if you have been settling for less most of that time. . . and now you are hoping that he will change. I have several thoughts.As you have read in our responses to other readers, if you want to be in a relationship in which you are settling for more, making it the best it can possibly be, your first point of attack needs to be your stuff, getting your behavior completely cleaned up. Assuming you have done that you can then turn your attention to your partner's stuff as a way of understanding why there is no movement.In essence you are saying that your husband professes one thing but then does another. He is saying he wants to/will change but then continues doing his 10-year-old relationship behavior. There are several possibilities here: he really does want to change and will; he really doesn't want to change, but doesn't want you to can him either, so is saying whatever it takes; he really does want a better relationship but does not see that it has anything to do with him. I am betting that it is door number two or three, or a combination.Here's why. You say that he has been doing his routine for 10 years. My guess is that you have voiced your disapproval in a variety of ways, with your husband resisting your pleadings for behavioral change in an equal variety of modes...and there has been no permanent change. So, he has learned that he can keep doing what he likes and will get an occasional complaint from you and that is it. There is no serious consequence for not honoring the request of his partner. Bobbie will address your's and other women's contributions to dysfunctional relationships in next week's column. So let me focus on what's up with 'Mr. Resistant' and why he is willing to settle for less in your relationship.First, does he really want to change or does he simply want the relationship to get better without any work on his part? This is frequently the case in our counseling with couples. I suspect it is playing a big part in the non-movement you are experiencing. You see, who he is being or not being is the source of — and what drives — his behavior, both the acceptable and atrocious. If he really wants to be in a relationship that is loving, honoring, friendly, honest, trusting, committed, etc., he has to first be loving, honoring, friendly, honest, trusting, committed, etc. If he truly understood this, there would be no two steps backwards....maybe one, but not two. He would know that it is not just sometimes, but always. It has to be the place he comes from. How we want to be drives our behavior.Many men can get this intellectually. They are missing a chip somewhere, though, in that there is a disconnect between their understanding and their action — which goes to show that insight alone is not enough to create change. Trauma can create change, which is why when one partner has had enough and leaves, the other now suffering the trauma of loss will turn on a dime and be the person the departed partner has been aching for. Without this level of trauma, many men either simply do not understand what it takes to have the kind relationship they want, or if they do it represents such a behavioral change for them that they are unwilling to risk "giving up" what has always seemingly worked for them for an unknown. And it is unknown. They have not experienced relationships at the level that is possible, and thus it takes a leap of faith requiring that they give it up to get it.Without a true understanding of the traumatic consequences for continuing to be and act in a way distasteful to their partner, the offending partner has no real incentive to be different. Thus the two steps forward/two steps back you are experiencing. You want change? Make sure he knows you will no longer stand for his junk. . . and mean it; that every day for the rest of your relationship life he gets to demonstrate how he wants the relationship to be. If it is consistent with what you want then you both are on the road to settling for more. If not, he may be one of the many men who learn about behavior change through trauma.
