My partner and I have been together for three years and are in a committed monogamous relationship, one in which we trust and respect each other. However, he is an attractive, very out-going man who my friends find "interesting". . . so much so that several of them have hit on him at parties. I pointed this out to him on two different occasions. He got very defensive, stating categorically that it had not happened and that I must be making it up, inferring that I am paranoid. I am not making it up and I am not paranoid. I don't understand why he can't see it. I can't bring it up any more without getting into a fight. I do not know how to get him to understand how I feel this seriously threatens our relationship. Help.Tom says: The two of you are seeing this from very different viewpoints. . . which doesn't need to be a deal breaker. It will be, however, if either one of you fails to understand the other's take. Here's how you might avoid that outcome.Your partner's response suggests several possibilities.First, he is a player. He knows full well that he is being hit on — may, in fact, actually be encouraging it — and may be carrying on some extra curricular activities when you are not looking.Second, he knows it is going on. He enjoys the attention but has no intention of taking the interaction any further than party-time flirting.If he falls into either of these possibilities, you need to decide whether you want to be in a relationship that is not honoring, one in which you are diminished and discounted. If you do not want to be in this kind of relationship, then confront the issue directly. Let him know that his behavior is not what you signed up for and your feelings are non-negotiable. If he wants to continue acting this way, honor his position. . . and get out of a relationship that appears to have a fatal flaw.A third explanantion is that he is simply a social dodo. He is totally unconscious to the behavior of your friends. This is the most probable explanation for his reaction to your concerns — assuming your description of your relationship is accurate.If this is the case, there is good news and bad news. The good news is that the chances are very good that he will be able to expand his awareness and understand your concerns. The bad news is he is a social dodo. There is a good reason the dodo bird is extinct. . . it simply was not able to adapt to a threatening environment. So, while your partner may understand your concerns, unless he truly wants to be in an honoring relationship, his dishonoring and marginalizing behaviors will continue. And my hunch is this will make your relationship with him extinct.Finally, the fact that he is unconscious to the hustling of your "friends" seems to be a genetic anomaly in a great many males. However, this can and should not be an excuse for his behavior once he is alerted. If, after you try to approach him in a side-by-side conversation, he continues with the denial that is part of a dodo's behavior, ask him to read this column. When he understands the dynamic and the discomfort and anguish it causes you, he has a choice: honor and support you and do everything possible to set limits and boundaries that will stop your friends in their tracks or continue down the path of the dodo.Bobbie says: You have raised such an important question about this common interaction between a flirting woman and the man she is hitting on that I will comment here and again in our next column on the far-reaching impact these interactions have on partners and partnerships.In most cases, a woman feels deeply devalued and diminished anytime her partner passively allows another woman to flirt with him, or worse seems to enjoy the attention or perhaps even actively engages in it.Because these culturally sanctioned flirtations have been promoted as "harmless," partners are expected to be good sports about it, and those who complain are viewed as uptight and insecure or unduly jealous.Yet as Tommy so aptly points out, the dodos who strive to silence their partners with denials and counter accusations are missing the point. What they are failing to perceive is that their flirtations not only cause their partners to feel deeply hurt and no longer cherished, but to also feel less bonded and connected to them. For many women this marks the beginning of a breakdown in the partnership big enough to threaten its survival, a threat we will discuss further in our next column.For now suffice it to say, that you are not "crazy" to feel as you do, nor are the many other women who don't want any flirtations to be a part of their partnership experience. In addition to the information I have gathered on flirtation during my 30 years of listening to women hurt by it, I would like to invite readers, both men and women, to share their experiences and views as we continue to address this important topic.Meanwhile, I encourage you, as you consider the various components you want in your partnership, to use as your guide your own commitment to settle for more.Tom Merrill, Ph.D., ABPP, and Bobbie Sandoz Merrill MSW, are married and veterans of the relationship puzzle. Tom, a clinical psychologist, and Bobbie, a therapist and parenting specialist, bring their personal and clinical experiences to this column. They have co-authored Settle for More: Finding and Keeping the Relationship You Want, to be published in fall, 2004. They welcome reader responses and questions: Merrill@lava.net.
