By Dr. Tom Merrill, Bobbie Sandoz Merrill, MSW Cox News Service Published on: 08/12/04 Why Settle for More? Dear Tom and Bobbie: I have read your columns and notice your constant refrain to "settle for more," rather than "lower the bar" on our relationship expectations. I have always heard you should "go along to get along," which seems to contradict your advice. I am in a two-year committed relationship, and we are following the go-along model and get along pretty well. We have fights like everyone else and if things get testy we take a break from each other. Like all relationships ours could be better. But why should I raise the subject with him and risk getting in a fight about what I want? Even worse, what if he likes the bar where it is and says if I don't like it I can take a hike? Why should I insist on settling for more if it means I may end up with nothing to settle for?
Tom says: There is no "should" implied here. However, the relationship you have described and identify as being "like everyone else" does sound a lot like those we see in our office. And most who come to see us professionally are not doing so to report on how successful they are in their relationships...rather, they are looking for ways to improve a troubled partnership. So, I would want to know a little bit more about what you are willing to settle for and why. AND I would like to know the same of your partner.
There is a lot to be said for the "going along" way of directing your future. It is an easy way to avoid discomfort in the short run. Day by day it doesn't make much difference in the direction of your relationship. However, we have heard from many who have looked back after years of "going along" and have found that it has gotten them to a place far different than they had wanted and hoped for.
What are the causes of your fights and testiness?
How could things be better?
Why would it cause a fight for you to state what you want in a relationship?
If the answers to these and other probing questions I or any other therapist would ask are that the relationship is not one that is honoring, honest, supportive, caring and loving — to list just a few of the characteristics that are found in truly wonderful relationships — then you have settled for less. That is OK if you are doing it out of choice. Just know there is a cost involved in lowering the bar and you should factor this into your decision. If "going along" is simply a euphemism for giving up what is important to you in order to avoid a fight, then the cost is horrendous. Only you can decide if it is worth it.
Bobbie says: Like Tom, I too want to ask some questions about why you would consider living your precious life with even a slightly lowered bar, or if you understand that by doing so you risk destroying the very relationship you are trying to protect.
Perhaps the key question is, are you truly 'going along' in service of 'getting along' or in hopes of preserving the relationship at great cost to yourself? Your concern about upsetting your partner or losing him if you discuss your preferences implies that you would rather be compliant than risk challenge and loss. If so, be aware that anytime we accept such terms, as women...as well as many men...often do, we lower the bar on the kind of relationship we are willing to have. This is a defining moment for the relationship and our lives as it sets our standard below all possibility for true happiness. Here's why:
Although it seems at this early juncture as though you are taking only a small dip into a lower standard, you are establishing a trend. Over time you will likely accommodate to less and less. People who do this fail to understand that their decision to settle for less does not really sit well with them. As a result they spend many hours in the privacy of their minds or with friends nursing dangerous feelings toward their partners and relationships.
This common, yet destructive pastime drives the bar and their feelings even lower. Eventually they no longer feel in love or try to spend much time together. Many will stay in the relationship at this point for the sake of security, but begin the process of living their lives separately. Others have had enough of an eroding relationship and to their partner's surprise leave, often abruptly. So the decision to 'go along to get along' can be more dangerous than it first appears, often setting a course for the ultimate demise of the relationship.
Although, as Tom says, no "should" is implied here, our goal is to make you and others more aware of the path the "go along" course takes so that if you choose it you and your partner will do so more consciously. We also hope that with additional information, you might both reconsider settling for more.
Tom Merrill, Ph.D., ABPP, and Bobbie Sandoz Merrill, MSW, are married and veterans of the relationship puzzle. Tom, a clinical psychologist, and Bobbie, a therapist and parenting specialist, bring their personal and clinical experiences to this column. They have co-authored Settle for More: Finding and Keeping the Relationship You Want, to be published in fall, 2004. They welcome reader responses and questions: Merrill@lava.net.
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