Dear Tom and Bobbie: In a recent column you talked about relationships that are not good enough to stay in yet not bad enough to leave. You are describing my very unhappy 15 year marriage that my friends think I should leave. Why is it so hard for me to face this?
Bobbie says: When we are in partnerships filled with both good and bad, we can sometimes get confused. This is because the good times not only tend to dissolve the pain of the bad times, but give us a sense of relief and a feeling of reward for getting past the bad times back to the good again. This good following bad can also cause us to perpetually view each good phase as a fresh start with new hope.
The pattern gets us hooked, often even addicted, to this back and forth arrangement coupled with our effort to "get through" to our partner in hopes they will change. The combination of being reinforced by the good times along with our hope for things getting even better at some point in time keeps us there with hope in our hearts as we anticipate the good ending we so earnestly dream of having.
This dream is further reinforced by offering us a seemingly better option than the thought of breaking up our marriage, disrupting children if there are any, dividing assets and possibly losing our home and economic stability. And so we go back to our hopes and dreams the moment there is a new ray of hope created by another one of the good times.
To get out of this never-ending cycle that friends can see is not leading to happiness, we must look at the relationship in its entirety as something often filled with far more bad times than we should tolerate. By doing this we stop compartmentalizing the bad times into smaller, more manageable segments. Once we face that the full experience is less tolerable than we realized and the pattern is not going to resolve itself, we realize we must seek outside help to change it or help us leave. So if you are serious about interrupting this pattern one direction or another, you would be wise to seek intervention.
Tom says: I have a little different slant on the problem you present. Without any more information it is difficult to answer why you have such ambivalence about facing and dealing with your situation. Is this the only area of your life in which you are ambivalent? If so then you are asking the correct question. Many who remain in no-hope relationships find it difficult to confront and deal with problems in other areas of their lives as well. If you fall into this camp then you most likely have adopted a way of dealing with life problems that simply does not serve you well and the issue is much larger than simply dealing with your marriage which is no small feat in itself.
Assuming you are doing well and handling all the other speed bumps of life I would want to know what the pay off is in maintaining the relationship status quo? It may not be readily apparent to you, but there is a pay off. You have been married for 15 years and were probably together for sometime before that so you have a significant amount of your life invested in something that your friends think you should leave. A side note here: Friends can give us valuable feedback to help us see situations more clearly. But that is all it is. It is your relationship and you are the one who lives with the consequences of your decision, not your friends.
So, I suggest you do some self-checking and identify specifically what keeps you there. Financial and/or physical security? Companionship-as bad as it may be? Sex? Status? The feeling of being needed? Belief that no matter what, you should stay in a marriage? Shame and/or guilt? The devil you know is better than the devil you don't? to mention a few of the possibilities.
Whatever the reasons, you need to examine them closely. Because then and only then can you make the decision of whether the cost to you in terms of your health, happiness, and sense of self is worth continuing on. Without understanding why you remain in the relationship you will be unable to make the appropriate get-in-or-get-out decision.
Tom Merrill, Ph.D., ABPP, and Bobbie Sandoz Merrill, MSW, are married and veterans of the relationship puzzle. Tom, a clinical psychologist, and Bobbie, a therapist and parenting specialist, bring their personal and clinical experiences to this column. They have co-authored Settle for More: Finding and Keeping the Relationship You Want, to be published in fall, 2004. They welcome reader responses and questions: Merrill@lava.net.
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