By Dr. Tom Merrill, Bobbie Sandoz Merrill, MSW
Cox News Service
Published on: 07/15/04
Me vs. we
Question: My wife and I have been married six years, and for the most part I believe we have a good marriage. I have a demanding job that takes me away from home two weeks each month. When I am home, I have a lot of catching up to do — both around the house and in my personal life. Between house chores, my career and my passion for golf, my wife says she feels she is low on my priority list. I tell her that she is always in my thoughts when I am at work — her picture is prominent in my office — and she is welcome to play golf with me. In my opinion, I am building my career for us and should not be penalized for the time I spend working. And when I am home, I think I should be able to do what I want. I have suggested that she develop some interests on her own and not rely on me so heavily for companionship. I think I'm doing a pretty good job, even though she still complains. Do you agree with me?
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| Tom says: I partly agree with you. If your partner does not have some interests that are uniquely hers, she might enjoy exploring some. However, I do not agree, nor does Bobbie, that stepping further into separate lives by developing more singular activities is the way to improve or save your relationship. And from the way you have described the relationship, it is at a critical point that requires saving.
So let me give you this male's point of view. Bobbie will cover the perspective from her female's vision in the next column.
First, I can't help but notice that with two exceptions, when you are talking about your relationship/marriage you use the words "me," "mine," " I," "my," or "she" and "her." Your only reference to being a couple is when you say "we have a good marriage" and "I am building my career for us."
When we hear a person describe relationships in this manner, it usually signals the need for a complete overhaul in the individual's point of view if growth, support, satisfaction and harmony are among the objectives. While not always, use of singular pronouns reflects a view of relationships that falls along gender lines; and the distinction, while subtle, is quite significant. That is, males more often than not view their partner as someone they are related to; it is positional ... I am here, you are there. And it is that positional connection that defines the relationship. Women on the other hand view a relationship as something we are in together, it is an inclusive structure; a state that subsumes us and within which we operate.
The difference in these ways of viewing relationships can most easily be seen when conflict surfaces...and the more serious the conflict, the more apparent the partner's point of view. We see it in counseling when the person with the inclusive point of view says to the person with the related point of view, "The way things are going in this relationship just isn't working, and we are headed for big trouble"...or something of that nature. Ms. Inclusive assumes that Mr. Related will respond with a comment like, "Well, if it isn't working for you, then it can't be working for me because we are in this relationship together. Thus it is my problem too, so what can I do to help out here...how can I make it better...what can we do?"
As a result of this assumption, she is floored when he fires back, "You don't like the way things are going? You're not happy? Then it is your problem. You deal with it."
Carried to its ultimate conclusion Ms. Inclusive will continue to "deal with it" until she realizes there is going to be no change in Mr. Related's point of view and announces she is out of there. It is at this point that Mr. Related will hold up his hands and whine confusedly, "Why didn't you tell me things were so bad?" and at this late date scramble to hold it together.
You are sounding like the prototypical Mr. Related. As such, I would question whether your wife would go along with your description of your marriage as "good." Rather, I would wonder if in fact she might not have been saying for sometime that "it is not working" and you have been letting her know that it is her problem, moving her ever closer to the I-am-out-of-here stage.
Successful marriages require inclusiveness in all decisions that affect the relationship. And the fact of the matter is, once I am married and committed to my partner, there is no decision I make that does not affect my partner. This requires a "we" rather than a "me" perspective.
So, my suggestion would be, in order to "make her feel better" take the we point of view and see what the two of you can do to change the relationship so you both feel better. If you do not, I can almost guarantee that you will have a lot of opportunity to do exactly what you want and will not have to worry about your partner...because she will be out of there.
Tom Merrill, Ph.D., ABPP, and Bobbie Sandoz Merrill, MSW, are married and veterans of the relationship puzzle. Tom, a clinical psychologist, and Bobbie, a therapist and parenting specialist, bring their personal and clinical experiences to this column. They have co-authored Settle for More: Finding and Keeping the Relationship You Want, to be published in fall, 2004. They welcome reader responses and questions: Merrill@lava.net.
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