SOLVING THE RELATIONSHIP PUZZLE
By Dr. Tom Merrill , Bobbie Sandoz Merrill
Published on: 06/16/04
Marriage is a team sport
Question: My wife and I argue constantly. She says that during eight years of marriage I've changed and she's not sure she likes the "new" me. I think she's the one who has changed. We have begun seeing a marriage counselor, who tells me I need to try harder to make the marriage work. I would love to get back to the relationship we had at first, but I think my wife makes that impossible. What can I do? If she won't change, should I leave her?
No Way Out
Tom says: Relationships that have reached the make-break point are painful and certainly not what we signed up for when we said 'I do.' However, while it may seem impossible, there are more than the two options — "either change or I leave" — that you present. My suggestion is that you explore them.
How did your relationship change so dramatically in eight years that it reached this point? Did you wake up one morning married to someone different than the one you lovingly kissed goodnight the night before? I doubt it.
Most likely the changes developed slowly. And my hunch is (if you are like many of the couples we have counseled) you had a lot to do with that.
Marriage is a team sport . . . with only one team. No one has to lose for your team to win. However, you must agree on how to keep score and what constitutes a win.
In situations such as yours, one partner points to the other and says 'everything would be OK if YOU would change.' This kind of attitude is not usually very helpful. And as you describe your situation, you have not been very successful with this tact in altering your wife's behavior.
You will be no more successful being her behavior boss than she has been being yours. But you can change your own behavior . . . in fact, it is the only thing you can change. So, I suggest you look seriously at your contribution to the team's win/loss record, and what you describe as the possible end of the team's franchise.
A good way to do this is to ask yourself, 'If I saw someone in a relationship acting the way I have been acting, no matter what the reason, would that be someone I would like to be married to?'
When you get a clear picture of your behavior, ask yourself if it honors your partner, is respectful, honest, open and loving. If the answer to any or all of these questions is no, then you have an opportunity and the blue print to put your relationship back on track.
How? You have identified what you are doing that is guaranteed not to get what you want . . . assuming what you do want is a successful relationship with your partner.
So, stop doing those things. Take them off the table. It is a two-step process, however. Pulling them back may give temporary relief but will not do a thing for the long-term health of the relationship. The second step requires that you replace your relationship-busting behaviors with those that made your partner fall in love with you in the first place. The good news is that this is easy. You have already demonstrated that you can do it, so there's nothing new to learn.
If you keep doing what you're doing, the outcome is predictable. However, our thought is that since what you are doing isn't working, if you stop it things will change. At the least, you will know that you did all you could. At best this simple two-step process, over which you have complete control, may transform your relationship in a way that might surprise you. And your partner may very well return to the behaviors that made you fall in love with her eight years ago.
Just remember, you are on the same team. Our hope is that you will celebrate a team victory.
Tom Merrill, Ph.D., ABPP, and Bobbie Sandoz Merrill, MSW, are married and veterans of the relationship puzzle. Tom, a clinical psychologist, and Bobbie, a therapist and parenting specialist, bring their personal and clinical experiences to this column. They have co-authored 'Settle for More: Finding and Keeping the Relationship You Want...Guaranteed!' to be published in fall, 2004. They welcome reader responses and questions: Merrill@lava.net.
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