SOLVING THE RELATIONSHIP PUZZLE   By Dr. Tom Merrill, Bobbie Sandoz Merrill, MSW Cox News Service Published on: 07/09/04 My husband's attitude is making me crazy! Question: We've been married for seven years and have a 4- and 6-year-old. My husband started a new job and insists he has to go dancing with a mixed group of younger colleagues after training sessions. When I object, he calls me derogatory names and tells me I have no right to tell him what to do. This is making me crazy. I have no clue how to solve this problem. Can you help? EMAIL THIS PRINT THIS MOST POPULAR Bobbie says: Your question indicates that your husband is behaving in a way that fails to show you the kind of love and honoring you want in your primary partnership. It also suggests that your attempt to tell him how his behavior affects you does not interest him. So stop trying to convince him how he should behave, something many women erroneously spend years trying to tell their husbands. Falling into a trap of complaining and then feeling crazed because he is unresponsive will indeed make you the villain he says you are. . . and an old and increasingly loud one at that if you continue doing this for another 10 years. In addition, by putting so much energy into pushing him to be someone different than he is you are not facing up to who is really living with you. Also, you should ask yourself whether you want to invest your precious adult life in this questionable experience. So I suggest you take your husband's advice. Stop telling him what to do. Begin, instead, to work only on yourself. Start by taking all of your own "stuff" that does not support a wonderful partnership off the table, including yelling and complaining. Then begin to more carefully observe, rather than resist, the design for partnership your husband comes up with on his own. Remain friendly, yet give him honest feedback. For example, let him know that his desire to go dancing with others, combined with his unwillingness to discuss the impact of this on your feelings and relationship with him, is more repelling than attractive to you. But only mention this once so that he has the benefit of your truth, without using the information to "push" him to be different or motivate him to change. If you do these simple things, it will soon be crystal clear whether you are in a relationship filled with unlimited possibilities or one that offers you only one option of settling for less rather than more. If you are forced into the settle for less or leave corner, resist the common female urge to "stick it out at all costs" while continuing to hope, push and complain. The well-known poet Maya Angelou suggests instead that, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Then make your decisions accordingly. Tom says: I couldn't agree more with Bobbie. Your husband sounds like so many partners who break from the gate with a lot of strength. They show in the courting phase how neat they are but after the marriage they show you who they really are. This comes from a basic lack of understanding of what it takes to build a relationship for the long haul. Thinking that the purpose of dating is to "get and have" a partner, he is into a 'me-vs.-you' view of relationships as opposed to a 'we' perspective. His view reflects a self-centered way of thinking and a need to win any and all arguments. His need for immediate gratification (I should be able to have and do what I want), his name-calling and lack of interest and caring for his partner suggest that he is still operating socially and interpersonally in a very adolescent mode — and early adolescence at that. Name-calling and dishonoring language as opposed to side-by-side conversations are a sign that, at the least, he feels his perceived "rights" are more important than the relationship. At the worst they suggest he does not care about the relationship and in fact may have already moved on. You need to find out where he is on the continuum. You have every 'right' to let him know the kind of relationship you want. And, as Bobbie has suggested, you should take the opportunity to do just that. In doing so he will know what you want. More importantly, by hearing what he wants you will be able to see how he views relationships. Does he want a nurturing, supportive and honoring relationship where the 'we' is important or does he want an adolescent partnership based on 'me' and 'my' wants and needs? With this information you can then make a choice: Settle for more or settle for less. Which sounds best to you? Tom Merrill, Ph.D., ABPP, and Bobbie Sandoz Merrill, MSW, are married and veterans of the relationship puzzle. Tom, a clinical psychologist, and Bobbie, a therapist and parenting specialist, bring their personal and clinical experiences to this column. They have co-authored Settle for More: Finding and Keeping the Relationship You Want, to be published in fall, 2004. They welcome reader responses and questions: Merrill@lava.net.

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