The Promise of the Process
(As editor of the section on Psychology of Divorce for the Hawaii Divorce Manual, Dr. Merrill created the following piece along with the accompnying article on the Psychological Stages of Divorce found in this secion. They were intended for attornys and other professionals involved in the divorce process but are felt appropriate for and of value to all who have an interest in this process, including those who are or may be getting divorced.)Other than the death of ones spouse, divorce has been identified as one of the most stressful periods in an individuals’ life (Holmes & Rahe1967; Marguiles & Luchow, 1992), affecting the participant’s ability to function in multiple life areas (Tein, et.al., 2000). Whether an individual is the initiator or the non-initiator (there is a distinction here worth noting that will be discussed in further detail) makes little difference and is only important in terms of when, not whether, they will experience the emotions attendant to the various stages of divorce. It is the emotional upheaval which results from tremendous and profound loss, that will play itself out during the course of the divorce process. The degree of damage inflicted during this upheaval appears to be dependent on the level of adversarial interaction between the parties (Wallerstein, et al, 2000) and the repertoire of coping skills available to the individual. Thus, if we are able to reduce the level of adversarialness, we would also be able to reduce the degree of emotional damage visited upon those involved. Effective intervention is and will be a function of ones realistic grasp of the process. And there in lies the rub. Too many of us working in this field do not have such a grasp and it appears that the legal system itself is the prime culprit responsible for “weak grips.” Margulies and Luchow(1992) point out that jurists and officers of the court often argue that the legal system is only the neutral ground on which the divorcing parties fight their battle. They say the argument holds that the legal system is seen as benign and thus has little affect on the parties’ behaviors. In other words, the level of adversarialness and its effects are a function of the pathology of the combatants separate and apart from the makeup of the legal system. Margulies and Luchow argue effectively that the “adversary legal system is by no means a neutral field. To the contrary….the nature of the adversary system is the primary source of the pathology that flows from divorce.” They state that the “norms and rules of the adversary system shape and augment conflict by interfering with the adaptive behavior necessary to successfully deal with the challenges divorce poses to both individual and family systems.” Mental health professionals are often the shepherds of choice to assist either partner, and sometimes both, in moving emotionally through the divorce. Ideally, the process offers the individual the ability to end the legal structure in which the relationship has been held while at the same time experiencing closure on the psychological structure. If children are involved, divorce will end the marriage, but not the family. Thus, it is imperative that the family structure be reconstituted in a healthy way so that parents may move on into successful new individual lives while the children have appropriate access to, and an ability to continue the development of their relationship with both parents, supported in this endeavor by both parents. This should be the promise and goal of the process. The authors of this Chapter submit that not only can this be done, but that it is the obligation of all who work with individuals going through the process to in fact facilitate fulfillment of the promise and achievement of the goal where and whenever possible. To do so requires a coherent model that includes the various stages of divorce, the emotions attendant to those stages, and a working knowledge of the plethora of interventions and when to apply them. The following presents such a model: the predictable stages of divorce, the emotions attendant to the stages, and the various interventions which we feel, when properly employed, will assist your clients in achieving what, in theory, are intended to be the end results of divorce, that is, the promise of the process.
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